Inside my head, the thoughts come thick and fast somedays, they writhe and swirl amidst the turmoil of emotion. Today is such a day.

A shit day at work with a supervisor who loves to micromanage. Why am I being given a hard time over the couple of extra minutes I spend buying lunch if I am on the road, especially by people who probably waste half an hour every single fucking day standing outside the office smoking. Some days I really don't need this shit.

In any case it all makes me wish I was still away travelling, like I have been the last few weeks. I really do have this part of me that wishes it was still on the road, away from all the mundane bullshit. I really do feel more authentic, getting out there and meeting life head on, instead of being stuck in this hellhole waiting for the world to come to me. I was happier when i was sitting on top of a lonely mountain, facing the wind and the cold, but really feeling alive, calling upon the strength of my ancestors to help me face and conquer my fears.

i am getting there i suppose....


ff5

been listening to the new flaming lips album for a month or so now. it is growing on me big time, although maybe in a different way to yoshimi, which hit me in a different way to the soft bulletin. a band that continues to impress the hell out of me with their refusal to follow the formula for commercial success.

otherwise, it is bitching hour. been chatting to a girl online for nearly 2 months now, but just getting more frustrated with it all. sometimes she seems interested, sometimes it is like i am pushing shit uphill. she seems more interested in hanging out with her friends than in getting to know me. i don't need this shit but i am too nice to just tell people where to go. it would be easier to find someone else, but the well (stagnant pond) is running dry lately.

the strange thing is that although it frustrates me no end, i feel this sense of hope and determination to find myself a partner. i am less liable to put up with all the crap, and i am more at peace with who i am. it all comes down to the fact that i am generally happier with who i am, i don't want to change, just to improve myself. i don't see the need to be something i am not for someone else.

yours authentically....

ff5